The Near Future Seems So Far Away

 So, I decided to finally make an appointment with a medical clinic that does not only counseling and therapy, but testing as well. I suffer badly from depression and anxiety, that much is obvious. But, for a while now I have wanted to know if maybe there are other underlying issues. Low end of the autism spectrum? ADHD? BPD? Its time I know for certain, and at age 38, possibly start my road to recovery. As hopeful as I am, I know that nothing is certain. Ive taken a dozen different anti depressants over the years, and none of them have helped. In my mind, I am broken and will be sad forever. I'll never hold down a long term job, Ill never find a human companion that loves me, I'll be a prisoner inside my head until I die. Lately it has been rough. I have trouble doing easy things, like getting out of bed. Leaving the house. Taking general care of myself. These have become struggles. 

But for now, I am waiting for this clinic to have time for me in their schedule (4-7 week wait), and despite nearing crisis mode, I am as hopeful as I ever was. I hope you are hanging in there as well.

What im listening to

Its Been A While...

So, I haven't made a post in a couple months. I've thought about it, but felt a bit stuck. I didn't know what to post or what not to post here. Some of my posts make it look like I'm a person who can help people, and that I've conqured my depression. Which I havent, but, I think I can still help someone, and that is why I'm here. It's hard to find good help, and it's expensive. But the truth is, I'm struggling a lot right now, and I have a lot on my plate. I feel pretty defeated, and I don't know what to do. I have made a little progress lately, at least. Got on a new medication, but I can't say it's helping. I saw a psychologist, and she is going to refer me somewhere where I can get testing done. This is long overdue, but it's never too late. I'm searching for inspiration, wherever I can find it. I think I have been submitting to mental illness lately, instead of fighting back, like i used to tell myself. Sometimes it's hard to remember how to do that. But I think that we have to fight. We are living in a world that doesn't always care about us.  Take care, and I hope that you're doing ok.

Getting back on medication

Well, i feel like I didn't fare so well without any antidepressants. Kinda bums me out, but im gonna have to get back on them. I can at least say i tried. Life for me is changing again, a lot, and fast, and sometimes i just cant do it on my own. I hope everyone is well.

What im listening to

How to get through a low point

Just a reminder, i am not an expert on mental illness...whatsoever. But, i have struggled, for who knows how long. Maybe 30 years, maybe my entire life. Certainly as far back as i can remember.

Right now, I'm at a very low point. Not the lowest ive ever been, but low enough to be concerned, and to need a plan on how to get out of this. This, and just about everything I post here, is more about me trying to offer words of hope, and advice. What little i can. I do not want any of you losing hope, or giving up.

First off, setting VERY small goals is a great way to gain some momentum, and feel a little better about yourself. Your life is always worth saving, no matter how bad things get. I know that it can seem that there is no hope. Not even a little. But...there is.

I find that staying organized is key. Without it, i sometimes wake up in the morning in a panic. I don't know what to do, or where to start. Form an every day routine, and have a plan for every day, preferably the day before. And, write it down, type it onto your phone, computer, whatever, but having it written out is extremely helpful for me. Starting a basic journal of your feelings is helpful as well, though I do struggle with remembering to do these things regularly, and im working on that.

Last but not least, dont overthink it! Your mind can absolutely be your worst enemy, and it is SO easy to tell yourself that it's over, and there is no hope. Personally, i am very hard on myself. Too hard, and i sometimes only hold myself back. Hard to move forward with a very heavy bolder on your back. Put that thing down, and forge ahead.

I know that all these things are SO much easier said than done. I know. But all you can do is try. What you have been doing has not been working, and it's not going to anytime soon. Time is valuable at this point, and you need to focus on change. It will require a strategy! Stay safe, and never lose hope.

What im listening to

Making Progress, But Still Not There.

This morning i lost my patience and acted out on impulse towards someone who did not deserve it. I am much more patient than I was 10 years ago. But still, I am not the man that I want to be. Not yet, anyways. Will I ever be? Time will tell, right? Being a better person is something I strive to be, every day. And it's when you reflect on that, is when you realize how much you need to change. And it's not easy, you can't do it overnight. But I believe that you need to separate yourself from your ego. I'm certainly no expert and wish I had more knowledge on the subject. But, maybe you do? Feel free to share your thoughts.

What im listening to

Dogs and depression

I'm mostly aiming at people suffering with depression, but really, this applies to everyone. I love animals, especially dogs, (and cats!) in fact, I once had a career working with them. I gave that up, but that's another story. No prescription drug, or other coping type vice has ever, or will ever help me as much as my dog, Louie does. Here are the reasons that I recommend a dog companion to anyone with depression. Of course, it seems to be so different with everyone. But, for me, these are the reasons. -You will have a best friend...for LIFE. I don't keep a ton of close friends, and relationships tend to elude me, I think I'm too awkward for most women. Again...another story altogether. -Dogs will not judge you, they only care about you. Not the clothes you wear, not the way you look,they don't care how little money you make, or what car you drive. They want you just the way you are. -He/she will be loyal to you. They won't push you away, take you for granted, or have a change of heart. You will belong to them as much as they belong to you (no I do not consider them possessions). -They want to make you happy, even if it doesnt always seem that way. And they want you to be proud of them. These things matter to them. -They won't abandon you, as long as you give them the life they deserve. They would help you out with your bills if they could. It has been scientifically proven that dogs can love. It's a fact. Do not take that for granted, their lives are short, and they deserve the best one possible, just as you do. That said, only get one if you can provide for them, which i know can be hard with mental illness. Basically, you need to be able to afford their vet bills, (make sure to become friends with your vet, they are good people) and last but not least, provide them with a high quality food. They are few and far between, but i suggest either going with your vets recommendation or look up any food before you buy it at www.dogfoodadvisor.com, you would be surprised at what is allowed to be sold! Oh, and grain free food is highly overrated, dont take my word for it and do your research, but I would tell you to avoid it all together. I hope this didnt come off as preachy, or nihilistic towards humans in general. We are good animals capable of doing great things as well.

What im listening to

Are people more apathetic these days?

I think so. Ive thought so for a long time now. And I won't pretend to be perfect. I may have mentioned, I used to be a very selfish person, rarely there when people needed me. Maybe I'm paying for that now. I don't actually believe that, but who knows. I was a terrible brother to my siblings. Terrible friend at times when I shouldn't have been. Did i mention the time when my friends 6 month old son died? I received the news from one of our buddys, i cried instantly, but I never told him. My depression comes first, right? I don't have the energy to comfort you. That's how I used to think. But becoming a dad changed that, as it often does. I can never take back those things from the past, only learn from them, and that's important. I remember back when I was 19, I worked retail, as a cashier. This older lady came through my line, and told me that I looked sad. That was the first time I realized that I really do look that way. She would come in periodically and ask if I was ok. I appreciate it more now than I ever did. Oh, and recently my son made me make an avatar of myself for this emoji app thing that we use. Even the cartoon avatar of me makes me have sad looking eyes. Fucking technology, eh?

Anyways, dont make the mistakes I did. Be there for your friends when they need you. Be there for your family. Be there for everyone, because you are needed.

What im listening to

The selfishness of the depressed mind

Now, of course, I cant speak for the majority of us. I cant even speak for the minority, just myself. But one of the things that I regret most, is that at times i have been so immersed in my own mind, that I did not at the time seem to care about problems others were having, i had so much going on in my mind, i guess i thought that I couldn't take on the problems of others. Im sickened by that now, and although i hate myself for not being there for others in the past, im grateful that i now realize the mistakes I was making. The more i meet people with mental health issues, i am somewhat hesitant to open up to them, because I really do think that this way of thinking is not super uncommon. Or, maybe its just that a lot of humans are selfish and uncaring in general. Maybe we werent always that way, maybe its what we have become. I dont trust the majority of people that I know, to ever be there for me, if I were to need them. So, ive usually just kept it to myself. I dont want to be a hypocrite, as i said, i have been selfish in the past. Way more often than i am proud to admit. But I dont have to be that way anymore. I cant expect people to be there for me, if im not going to do the same for them. We have to look out for eachother, we have to pick eachother up, should we fall down. We shouldnt have to worry about being cared about, and we shouldnt have to keep it to ourselves.

I used to think that i was weak, for my mind being the way that it is. But now, I don't think that at all. I think we survive through more than most people could possibly understand. Right now, im not ok. But I'm gonna pull through, you know? And so will you.

What im listening to

Depression during a pandemic

Man, this shit has gotten me SUPER lonely. I know that doesnt mean shit compared to people who are losing their lives, but, fuck. Disclaimer...I am going to pretty much be bitching here, and maybe some of you can relate. Most people I know that are my age have families, something i was never able to achieve, due to my mental state, and my not thinking that i would be very good at keeping one together. So, of course during a time like this, they are huddling up together, and limiting contact with anyone else. Which is smart, thats exactly as they should be doing. But, I feel like this is a pretty lonely time for people like myself, whose social circle is small as it is, and dont have a family to be around every day. Its pretty much me and my dog, Louie. When i was in my 20s, I was pretty nihilistic, and wanted nothing to do with most people. Had a few friends that I mostly kept at a distance, and didnt care about the company of humans. I guess i have softened a little in my 30s. I really want a support system, and to be around people that i care about, but i think that i made the grave mistake of staying single for too long. Im pushing 40 now, and most single women my age are wayyyyyyy past me, in terms of life experience. They have likely been married, at least once, have a bunch of kids, and have had a relationship at somw point that lasted close to a decade, or more. My longest lasting relationship was under 2 years long, and 6-7 years ago. So, i guess i feel like an alien compared to most people, in that they dont understand me, and I dont understand them. I know that this shit will be over with eventually, but man, not soon enough. That said, i feel for the families that have lost loved ones during this time. That is far more important than what is going inside my weird head.

What im listening to

Depression, anxiety, and relationships

Oh man...this is a big one for me. I'm 37 years old, actually ill be 38 next year, and i have been single now longer than I can really remember. I wanna say its been 6-7 years since i have been in some some sort of relationship. I try and get myself out there, but im pretty much invisible in my small town. I dont know a ton of people, which is pretty much self exile here. Most people cause my anxiety to shoot up a bit, and I think i come off as a bit too awkward to the opposite sex. I dont really know how to properly get to know someone, so dating doesnt usually get me very far. And i think that im afraid to drag someone down with me, or that they just deserve better, in general. At this point, I dont know if I know how to find someone, date them, care about them, and all that stuff. Anyways, this isnt like a "feel sorry for me" type thing, i try to put a positive spin on all this. Im ok alone, i mean, im often pretty lonely, but I have my son, I have Louie, and i know that they both love me. It just would be nice to have that comfort system that almost everyone else seems to have. Haha. I think there is something that im missing, or have forgotten. Hopefully i find it, and i hope that you do too!

What im listening to

Anxiety and Depression Medications

I have taken more of these than i can count, over the years. Some worked...for a while. Some did nothing at all. Some made me feel like shit. None...really worked all that well, and lately, ive been taking four different medications, prescribed by my doctor. I am completely weaned off of two of them, and I am working on phasing out another, just leaving the one. Its experimental, and I DO NOT recommend doing this without consulting a medical professional. Ive been doing this for so long now, and when I decide to discontinue something, i do it safely. Dont ever quit a medication cold turkey, unless that is your doctors orders. Im just tired of spending money on these, and jamming them through my liver, for nothing at all. Im gonna try a natural regimen for a while and see what I think. And no, im not one of "those people". I believe in science, not some hippy witch doctor. And if I need to get back on any of these medications, i can get a refill within hours, so I have a back up plan, or see my doctor and try something else. Im not against these medications, by any means. I just want something that works.

During times like this, I need to save money, and I had already been wondering for years now, why I even bother taking these every day. And I dont want any unnecessary doctors visits at the moment, for obvious reasons. Anyways, take care, be safe, and keep chasing happiness.

Currently listening to

When things spiral out of control

I never intended to use this blog as a way to whine about personal things. But, I hope instead that I can help others deal with similar things.

Right now, things are not good for me. In fact, they are very bad. I have my health, though, and that means a lot right now. What i think we have to remember, is to never give up hope. Sometimes that is all you have, and nothing else. If depression is crippling you, and getting in the way of achieving something you need in order to stay above water, do whatever you can to keep a positive attitude. For me, when I need to blow off steam, i grav my dog Louie, and we go on a long walk, while I think about how to get in a better mindset. Which I think is key. It's possible to think positive somehow, even when things are looking bleak.

So, thats what im doing right now. It's all i have, and im gonna make the most of it. Stay safe.

Depression, anxiety, and working a regular job

This can be a tricky one. In fact, i still haven't figured out how to win this battle. Lately, one of my greatest struggles seems to be holding down the same job, like so many people do every single day.

I had a sort of traumatic event about a year ago that has left me wondering where I will end up in the working world. Since then, i have probably had 4 or 5 jobs, and, will be starting yet another one real soon. So many problems stem from serious depression and anxiety, making it almost a full time job by itself. I often quit jobs because I cant handle the negativity surrounding them, or the pressure that I am expected to face, no matter what the job is.

About a month ago, i started a new job. Pay was quite decent for my area, and it was a new opportunity. However, as soon as i started, it seemed very strenuous, and the deadlines were even more stressful. I did not take breaks, and worked as hard as i ever have, making sure that i met those deadlines. Just today, i was fired. The stress of this job had been getting to me. I was stressed to the point where I was not sleeping well at night, and I was exhausted every single day. Last night, i decided to start taking the medication she had given me for sleep, so that maybe i could come in feeling refreshed every day, and maybe get my work done with a positive attitude. Well, because of the medication, i was not able to wake up this morning. I did not hear my alarm, even though i turned it up as high as it goes. Before i could even make a decision regarding what to do, i got an email stating my termination.

Again, i dont expect to find many people that struggle with the same issues that i do, but any words of positivity will be welcome. I have been trying so hard, and i am really struggling today with the idea of taking yet another major step backwards. I know that I will move on, but it seems impossible. Anyways, I hope that you are all doing well, no matter who you are, or what you may be dealing with. We all deserve to be happy.

What im listening to today

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Getting Enough Sleep

Another thing that impacts my life greatly, is my lack of sleep. It’s not that I don’t try to sleep, because I try to get 8 hours every single night. I go through these phases that last months, or even a year or more, of  “sleeping” for 8 hours, and waking up feeling like I didn’t sleep at all. It’s usually when something is bothering me about my life, which is most of the time. Haha. This has been happening again lately, for the last few weeks, and I think that it’s because of the new job that I started and am uncertain about. The last time I went through this, it completely ruined my career in the Veterinary field. After months, or more, of not sleeping well, it starts to take its toll on your attitude and performance.

I never knew how important sleep actually is for your health, until recently. I have been reading medical articles about how much it affects not only your day to day life, but your health in the long run. I have talked to my doctor about this, and of course I’ve been prescribed yet another medication. In fact, I’m on the second one, since the first one was not a good fit. This one helps me fall asleep, but that’s not actually my problem. I can easily fall asleep like a baby every night, but I can’t STAY asleep. Anyways, I don’t do this to vent, or complain, but because I know there must be other people like me out there, and I think we can help each other if we try.

What I’m listening to today

CBD Oil

Has anyone tried this stuff? It's supposed to be good for so many things, pain, depression, anxiety...I had always wanted to try it, but was afraid that it would end up being a waste of money. Well, I bought a small amount over the weekend. It's now Monday night and I have been using it ever since, and I had the most tolerable day at work in at least 3 weeks. My anxiety has felt lower than it has in a while. I'm still not giving my hopes up, but I have to say that I am completely surprised, and grateful to get even a small break from the darker parts of my mind. I completely recommend it. Most of us sink tons of money into prescription narcotics that don't do shit, other than make it near impossible to get an erection (does it have similar effects on women?), and we deserve something that actually works.

What I'm listening to 

Why I Do This

Despite the fact that this kind of expression is therapeutic for me, there are other reasons for doing this. But, most of all, I am doing this in hopes that I can inspire others to maybe empower themselves, or to feel inspired. The world may kick the shit out of us, and a lot of us suffer in silence, but together, our voices can be heard.

What im listening to

Having A Plan

So, ive learned something lately. I need to have a plan. Haha...weird, huh? I used to be fine with just winging it through life, but now that im 37, I feel like a little more order is necessary to life. I mean, I dont know why it took me so long to figure that out, considering the actual definition of anxiety. I have bounced around a lot this last year or two, job wise, and I think not knowing where I will remain has added a lot to my depression, and I think that finally gaining some footing will help a lot. Ive also moved around a lot, so finding some more permanent housing will help as well. These are major life changes that will take time, but life has never been easy for me. Anyways, maybe something for you to think about, if you have been oblivious, like me.

What I'm listening to today

The Suicide Talk

So, luckily, I have never been suicidal. If theres one thing I can be happy about, that could definitely be it. But I will admit that lately, it's something I think about. Not as an option, but just the concept of it, what people must be feeling before they choose to go down that path, etc. Personally, I have felt at my lowest when I felt like nobody understood me, or worse, that nobody even cared. Once I realized that most people will not understand how you feel, but thats ok. As long as they care, you cant really ask for more. But I imagine what it would be like if literally everyone gave up on me. What that must feel like, I cant imagine. I have felt very lost at times, but I always managed to find my way back. Sometimes it took days, but I found my way.

Moral of the story, I suppose, is that nobody should ever be given up on. If someone you know is struggling with something, at least be fucking sympathetic. Its not that hard, I promise. They need you. All they want is for you to listen to them, and for you to show a little support. They may not have anyone else. Maybe you could be the one to save them.

What im listening to today

Being Open About Mental Health. Good Or Bad?

I have lived with depression and anxiety as long as I can remember. I can remember being confused about it as a young child. I never told my parents, I wouldn't have known what to say anyways. I don't how serious they would have taken it, considering they were the main cause of it.

Recently, I have to decided to "come out of the closet" about my mental health by telling the few family members that i am close to these days, which is pretty much my two sisters, my brother, my aunt, and my sons mom. I have kept it to myself this whole time, mostly, until now I have only ever told a select few friends. I was scared of the response that I would get. My family can be pretty close minded and judgemental, and I didnt want a negative response. But, I had to tell them. I had to educate them on why I am the way I am. They had to suspect that at least something was wrong with me, and I didn't want them to jump to any conclusions, like thinking I was a drug addict or something. 

The conclusion. It went fairly well. Mostly positive feedback and encouragement, and it seems that this will actually bring us closer, which is what I was hoping for. After keeping it to myself for so fucking long, it feels pretty good to bring this out in the open. I dont look for sympathy, I just want people to understand. 

What I'm listening to today

Parenting and Mental Health pt.2

I remember a few years ago, as my son was getting older, I actually had to research whether or not I should tell him what was wrong with me. I didnt know what to do. One day we were outside and he asked me why I looked so concerned. I looked in the mirror and realized that lately, that is just what I look like. And he knows it isnt how people should look. They should be smiling...and happy, and I'm not always that. We have always been close, and I wanted him to know what goes on in my head, just a little bit anyways. I decided that it would be a good idea. Is it a lot for him to process? Sure, but unfortunately, that is going to be part of his life, and its better that he knows. Im just glad that he doesnt have the life that I had growing up. Reason enough to be happy right there.

Mental Health And Parenting

So, I mentioned the other day something about missing my son, and there's some reasons for that. He is 11, and his mom and I split up 10 years ago, so I have always been sad that I don't get to be a "full time" dad. I just never got over it. If I didn't see him for 2-3 days I would really miss him, and we've always been very close. I always feared the day where he wouldn't be a little boy anymore and wouldn't want to snuggle up and watch movies anymore and stuff like that. Well, that day seemed to come virtually overnight. He is in 5th grade, he has his buddies from school, like I did at his age. He doesn't want to feel obligated to hang out with me all weekend, every weekend anymore like he used to, and irritatingly, I get it. Weekends are his free time.
Not everyone will be able to relate to this, and here is why I think that is. He is my only kid, and I have never been married. In fact, due to my social anxiety and probably depression as well, I have had very few relationships, and even fewer serious ones. The longest being around 5-6 years ago and only lasted about 2 years. Most people my age have been in a 10 year relationship, or longer. Opening up to someone is hard for me, and I really have no idea how to keep something like that going, which may sound rediculous to you. We are all so different. I still have hope for the future, because sometimes I think that's all we have, and we can't ever let it go.

What I'm listening to today

Still First week of working the night shift...

I'm wondering how working graveyard shift mixes with poor mental health. Or, at least I am about to find out. Seems pretty lonely for someone that is single. I was already having trouble finding someone...now what do I do? Not to sound like im complaining, or trying to attract pity. Im not like that. But I did start this to vent, and hopefully see how other people feel. I miss my dog, Louie. He's at home probably wondering why I don't come home at night anymore. He will adjust I'm sure. I really miss my son, as well, but i will get to that tomorrow. Take care, humans.

Introduction!

So, I used to blog. A lot. I blogged about music, and I always loved it, in fact, Ive missed it. Do people still blog? Musically, I filled the void by starting a youtube channel, so I guess that's considered vlogging. If you would like to check that out, search dark hymns from the cold north, on YouTube, and you'll find me there.

Why am I doing this? Lately i am all about tackling my depression, and anxiety. Im tired of it controlling my life, and I'm done laying down and letting it win. Do I expect to overcome it? Not really, ive had it as long as I can remember, and I dont plan on it completely going away. But, that doesnt mean that im not going to fight. Lately, my heart is broken, 37 years of life has taken it's toll, and im tired of giving in to mental illness. I started going to a support group recently, although ive already missed more sessions than ive been to. But still, im trying. Lately I am also trying to connect with people that deal with this, like I do, as it's nice to know that I am not alone, and neither are you.

What I'm listening to tonight