Depression during a pandemic

Man, this shit has gotten me SUPER lonely. I know that doesnt mean shit compared to people who are losing their lives, but, fuck. Disclaimer...I am going to pretty much be bitching here, and maybe some of you can relate. Most people I know that are my age have families, something i was never able to achieve, due to my mental state, and my not thinking that i would be very good at keeping one together. So, of course during a time like this, they are huddling up together, and limiting contact with anyone else. Which is smart, thats exactly as they should be doing. But, I feel like this is a pretty lonely time for people like myself, whose social circle is small as it is, and dont have a family to be around every day. Its pretty much me and my dog, Louie. When i was in my 20s, I was pretty nihilistic, and wanted nothing to do with most people. Had a few friends that I mostly kept at a distance, and didnt care about the company of humans. I guess i have softened a little in my 30s. I really want a support system, and to be around people that i care about, but i think that i made the grave mistake of staying single for too long. Im pushing 40 now, and most single women my age are wayyyyyyy past me, in terms of life experience. They have likely been married, at least once, have a bunch of kids, and have had a relationship at somw point that lasted close to a decade, or more. My longest lasting relationship was under 2 years long, and 6-7 years ago. So, i guess i feel like an alien compared to most people, in that they dont understand me, and I dont understand them. I know that this shit will be over with eventually, but man, not soon enough. That said, i feel for the families that have lost loved ones during this time. That is far more important than what is going inside my weird head.

What im listening to

Depression, anxiety, and relationships

Oh man...this is a big one for me. I'm 37 years old, actually ill be 38 next year, and i have been single now longer than I can really remember. I wanna say its been 6-7 years since i have been in some some sort of relationship. I try and get myself out there, but im pretty much invisible in my small town. I dont know a ton of people, which is pretty much self exile here. Most people cause my anxiety to shoot up a bit, and I think i come off as a bit too awkward to the opposite sex. I dont really know how to properly get to know someone, so dating doesnt usually get me very far. And i think that im afraid to drag someone down with me, or that they just deserve better, in general. At this point, I dont know if I know how to find someone, date them, care about them, and all that stuff. Anyways, this isnt like a "feel sorry for me" type thing, i try to put a positive spin on all this. Im ok alone, i mean, im often pretty lonely, but I have my son, I have Louie, and i know that they both love me. It just would be nice to have that comfort system that almost everyone else seems to have. Haha. I think there is something that im missing, or have forgotten. Hopefully i find it, and i hope that you do too!

What im listening to

Anxiety and Depression Medications

I have taken more of these than i can count, over the years. Some worked...for a while. Some did nothing at all. Some made me feel like shit. None...really worked all that well, and lately, ive been taking four different medications, prescribed by my doctor. I am completely weaned off of two of them, and I am working on phasing out another, just leaving the one. Its experimental, and I DO NOT recommend doing this without consulting a medical professional. Ive been doing this for so long now, and when I decide to discontinue something, i do it safely. Dont ever quit a medication cold turkey, unless that is your doctors orders. Im just tired of spending money on these, and jamming them through my liver, for nothing at all. Im gonna try a natural regimen for a while and see what I think. And no, im not one of "those people". I believe in science, not some hippy witch doctor. And if I need to get back on any of these medications, i can get a refill within hours, so I have a back up plan, or see my doctor and try something else. Im not against these medications, by any means. I just want something that works.

During times like this, I need to save money, and I had already been wondering for years now, why I even bother taking these every day. And I dont want any unnecessary doctors visits at the moment, for obvious reasons. Anyways, take care, be safe, and keep chasing happiness.

Currently listening to

When things spiral out of control

I never intended to use this blog as a way to whine about personal things. But, I hope instead that I can help others deal with similar things.

Right now, things are not good for me. In fact, they are very bad. I have my health, though, and that means a lot right now. What i think we have to remember, is to never give up hope. Sometimes that is all you have, and nothing else. If depression is crippling you, and getting in the way of achieving something you need in order to stay above water, do whatever you can to keep a positive attitude. For me, when I need to blow off steam, i grav my dog Louie, and we go on a long walk, while I think about how to get in a better mindset. Which I think is key. It's possible to think positive somehow, even when things are looking bleak.

So, thats what im doing right now. It's all i have, and im gonna make the most of it. Stay safe.

Depression, anxiety, and working a regular job

This can be a tricky one. In fact, i still haven't figured out how to win this battle. Lately, one of my greatest struggles seems to be holding down the same job, like so many people do every single day.

I had a sort of traumatic event about a year ago that has left me wondering where I will end up in the working world. Since then, i have probably had 4 or 5 jobs, and, will be starting yet another one real soon. So many problems stem from serious depression and anxiety, making it almost a full time job by itself. I often quit jobs because I cant handle the negativity surrounding them, or the pressure that I am expected to face, no matter what the job is.

About a month ago, i started a new job. Pay was quite decent for my area, and it was a new opportunity. However, as soon as i started, it seemed very strenuous, and the deadlines were even more stressful. I did not take breaks, and worked as hard as i ever have, making sure that i met those deadlines. Just today, i was fired. The stress of this job had been getting to me. I was stressed to the point where I was not sleeping well at night, and I was exhausted every single day. Last night, i decided to start taking the medication she had given me for sleep, so that maybe i could come in feeling refreshed every day, and maybe get my work done with a positive attitude. Well, because of the medication, i was not able to wake up this morning. I did not hear my alarm, even though i turned it up as high as it goes. Before i could even make a decision regarding what to do, i got an email stating my termination.

Again, i dont expect to find many people that struggle with the same issues that i do, but any words of positivity will be welcome. I have been trying so hard, and i am really struggling today with the idea of taking yet another major step backwards. I know that I will move on, but it seems impossible. Anyways, I hope that you are all doing well, no matter who you are, or what you may be dealing with. We all deserve to be happy.

What im listening to today

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Getting Enough Sleep

Another thing that impacts my life greatly, is my lack of sleep. It’s not that I don’t try to sleep, because I try to get 8 hours every single night. I go through these phases that last months, or even a year or more, of  “sleeping” for 8 hours, and waking up feeling like I didn’t sleep at all. It’s usually when something is bothering me about my life, which is most of the time. Haha. This has been happening again lately, for the last few weeks, and I think that it’s because of the new job that I started and am uncertain about. The last time I went through this, it completely ruined my career in the Veterinary field. After months, or more, of not sleeping well, it starts to take its toll on your attitude and performance.

I never knew how important sleep actually is for your health, until recently. I have been reading medical articles about how much it affects not only your day to day life, but your health in the long run. I have talked to my doctor about this, and of course I’ve been prescribed yet another medication. In fact, I’m on the second one, since the first one was not a good fit. This one helps me fall asleep, but that’s not actually my problem. I can easily fall asleep like a baby every night, but I can’t STAY asleep. Anyways, I don’t do this to vent, or complain, but because I know there must be other people like me out there, and I think we can help each other if we try.

What I’m listening to today

CBD Oil

Has anyone tried this stuff? It's supposed to be good for so many things, pain, depression, anxiety...I had always wanted to try it, but was afraid that it would end up being a waste of money. Well, I bought a small amount over the weekend. It's now Monday night and I have been using it ever since, and I had the most tolerable day at work in at least 3 weeks. My anxiety has felt lower than it has in a while. I'm still not giving my hopes up, but I have to say that I am completely surprised, and grateful to get even a small break from the darker parts of my mind. I completely recommend it. Most of us sink tons of money into prescription narcotics that don't do shit, other than make it near impossible to get an erection (does it have similar effects on women?), and we deserve something that actually works.

What I'm listening to 

Why I Do This

Despite the fact that this kind of expression is therapeutic for me, there are other reasons for doing this. But, most of all, I am doing this in hopes that I can inspire others to maybe empower themselves, or to feel inspired. The world may kick the shit out of us, and a lot of us suffer in silence, but together, our voices can be heard.

What im listening to