Having A Plan

So, ive learned something lately. I need to have a plan. Haha...weird, huh? I used to be fine with just winging it through life, but now that im 37, I feel like a little more order is necessary to life. I mean, I dont know why it took me so long to figure that out, considering the actual definition of anxiety. I have bounced around a lot this last year or two, job wise, and I think not knowing where I will remain has added a lot to my depression, and I think that finally gaining some footing will help a lot. Ive also moved around a lot, so finding some more permanent housing will help as well. These are major life changes that will take time, but life has never been easy for me. Anyways, maybe something for you to think about, if you have been oblivious, like me.

What I'm listening to today

The Suicide Talk

So, luckily, I have never been suicidal. If theres one thing I can be happy about, that could definitely be it. But I will admit that lately, it's something I think about. Not as an option, but just the concept of it, what people must be feeling before they choose to go down that path, etc. Personally, I have felt at my lowest when I felt like nobody understood me, or worse, that nobody even cared. Once I realized that most people will not understand how you feel, but thats ok. As long as they care, you cant really ask for more. But I imagine what it would be like if literally everyone gave up on me. What that must feel like, I cant imagine. I have felt very lost at times, but I always managed to find my way back. Sometimes it took days, but I found my way.

Moral of the story, I suppose, is that nobody should ever be given up on. If someone you know is struggling with something, at least be fucking sympathetic. Its not that hard, I promise. They need you. All they want is for you to listen to them, and for you to show a little support. They may not have anyone else. Maybe you could be the one to save them.

What im listening to today

Being Open About Mental Health. Good Or Bad?

I have lived with depression and anxiety as long as I can remember. I can remember being confused about it as a young child. I never told my parents, I wouldn't have known what to say anyways. I don't how serious they would have taken it, considering they were the main cause of it.

Recently, I have to decided to "come out of the closet" about my mental health by telling the few family members that i am close to these days, which is pretty much my two sisters, my brother, my aunt, and my sons mom. I have kept it to myself this whole time, mostly, until now I have only ever told a select few friends. I was scared of the response that I would get. My family can be pretty close minded and judgemental, and I didnt want a negative response. But, I had to tell them. I had to educate them on why I am the way I am. They had to suspect that at least something was wrong with me, and I didn't want them to jump to any conclusions, like thinking I was a drug addict or something. 

The conclusion. It went fairly well. Mostly positive feedback and encouragement, and it seems that this will actually bring us closer, which is what I was hoping for. After keeping it to myself for so fucking long, it feels pretty good to bring this out in the open. I dont look for sympathy, I just want people to understand. 

What I'm listening to today

Parenting and Mental Health pt.2

I remember a few years ago, as my son was getting older, I actually had to research whether or not I should tell him what was wrong with me. I didnt know what to do. One day we were outside and he asked me why I looked so concerned. I looked in the mirror and realized that lately, that is just what I look like. And he knows it isnt how people should look. They should be smiling...and happy, and I'm not always that. We have always been close, and I wanted him to know what goes on in my head, just a little bit anyways. I decided that it would be a good idea. Is it a lot for him to process? Sure, but unfortunately, that is going to be part of his life, and its better that he knows. Im just glad that he doesnt have the life that I had growing up. Reason enough to be happy right there.

Mental Health And Parenting

So, I mentioned the other day something about missing my son, and there's some reasons for that. He is 11, and his mom and I split up 10 years ago, so I have always been sad that I don't get to be a "full time" dad. I just never got over it. If I didn't see him for 2-3 days I would really miss him, and we've always been very close. I always feared the day where he wouldn't be a little boy anymore and wouldn't want to snuggle up and watch movies anymore and stuff like that. Well, that day seemed to come virtually overnight. He is in 5th grade, he has his buddies from school, like I did at his age. He doesn't want to feel obligated to hang out with me all weekend, every weekend anymore like he used to, and irritatingly, I get it. Weekends are his free time.
Not everyone will be able to relate to this, and here is why I think that is. He is my only kid, and I have never been married. In fact, due to my social anxiety and probably depression as well, I have had very few relationships, and even fewer serious ones. The longest being around 5-6 years ago and only lasted about 2 years. Most people my age have been in a 10 year relationship, or longer. Opening up to someone is hard for me, and I really have no idea how to keep something like that going, which may sound rediculous to you. We are all so different. I still have hope for the future, because sometimes I think that's all we have, and we can't ever let it go.

What I'm listening to today

Still First week of working the night shift...

I'm wondering how working graveyard shift mixes with poor mental health. Or, at least I am about to find out. Seems pretty lonely for someone that is single. I was already having trouble finding someone...now what do I do? Not to sound like im complaining, or trying to attract pity. Im not like that. But I did start this to vent, and hopefully see how other people feel. I miss my dog, Louie. He's at home probably wondering why I don't come home at night anymore. He will adjust I'm sure. I really miss my son, as well, but i will get to that tomorrow. Take care, humans.

Introduction!

So, I used to blog. A lot. I blogged about music, and I always loved it, in fact, Ive missed it. Do people still blog? Musically, I filled the void by starting a youtube channel, so I guess that's considered vlogging. If you would like to check that out, search dark hymns from the cold north, on YouTube, and you'll find me there.

Why am I doing this? Lately i am all about tackling my depression, and anxiety. Im tired of it controlling my life, and I'm done laying down and letting it win. Do I expect to overcome it? Not really, ive had it as long as I can remember, and I dont plan on it completely going away. But, that doesnt mean that im not going to fight. Lately, my heart is broken, 37 years of life has taken it's toll, and im tired of giving in to mental illness. I started going to a support group recently, although ive already missed more sessions than ive been to. But still, im trying. Lately I am also trying to connect with people that deal with this, like I do, as it's nice to know that I am not alone, and neither are you.

What I'm listening to tonight