Making Progress, But Still Not There.

This morning i lost my patience and acted out on impulse towards someone who did not deserve it. I am much more patient than I was 10 years ago. But still, I am not the man that I want to be. Not yet, anyways. Will I ever be? Time will tell, right? Being a better person is something I strive to be, every day. And it's when you reflect on that, is when you realize how much you need to change. And it's not easy, you can't do it overnight. But I believe that you need to separate yourself from your ego. I'm certainly no expert and wish I had more knowledge on the subject. But, maybe you do? Feel free to share your thoughts.

What im listening to

Dogs and depression

I'm mostly aiming at people suffering with depression, but really, this applies to everyone. I love animals, especially dogs, (and cats!) in fact, I once had a career working with them. I gave that up, but that's another story. No prescription drug, or other coping type vice has ever, or will ever help me as much as my dog, Louie does. Here are the reasons that I recommend a dog companion to anyone with depression. Of course, it seems to be so different with everyone. But, for me, these are the reasons. -You will have a best friend...for LIFE. I don't keep a ton of close friends, and relationships tend to elude me, I think I'm too awkward for most women. Again...another story altogether. -Dogs will not judge you, they only care about you. Not the clothes you wear, not the way you look,they don't care how little money you make, or what car you drive. They want you just the way you are. -He/she will be loyal to you. They won't push you away, take you for granted, or have a change of heart. You will belong to them as much as they belong to you (no I do not consider them possessions). -They want to make you happy, even if it doesnt always seem that way. And they want you to be proud of them. These things matter to them. -They won't abandon you, as long as you give them the life they deserve. They would help you out with your bills if they could. It has been scientifically proven that dogs can love. It's a fact. Do not take that for granted, their lives are short, and they deserve the best one possible, just as you do. That said, only get one if you can provide for them, which i know can be hard with mental illness. Basically, you need to be able to afford their vet bills, (make sure to become friends with your vet, they are good people) and last but not least, provide them with a high quality food. They are few and far between, but i suggest either going with your vets recommendation or look up any food before you buy it at www.dogfoodadvisor.com, you would be surprised at what is allowed to be sold! Oh, and grain free food is highly overrated, dont take my word for it and do your research, but I would tell you to avoid it all together. I hope this didnt come off as preachy, or nihilistic towards humans in general. We are good animals capable of doing great things as well.

What im listening to

Are people more apathetic these days?

I think so. Ive thought so for a long time now. And I won't pretend to be perfect. I may have mentioned, I used to be a very selfish person, rarely there when people needed me. Maybe I'm paying for that now. I don't actually believe that, but who knows. I was a terrible brother to my siblings. Terrible friend at times when I shouldn't have been. Did i mention the time when my friends 6 month old son died? I received the news from one of our buddys, i cried instantly, but I never told him. My depression comes first, right? I don't have the energy to comfort you. That's how I used to think. But becoming a dad changed that, as it often does. I can never take back those things from the past, only learn from them, and that's important. I remember back when I was 19, I worked retail, as a cashier. This older lady came through my line, and told me that I looked sad. That was the first time I realized that I really do look that way. She would come in periodically and ask if I was ok. I appreciate it more now than I ever did. Oh, and recently my son made me make an avatar of myself for this emoji app thing that we use. Even the cartoon avatar of me makes me have sad looking eyes. Fucking technology, eh?

Anyways, dont make the mistakes I did. Be there for your friends when they need you. Be there for your family. Be there for everyone, because you are needed.

What im listening to

The selfishness of the depressed mind

Now, of course, I cant speak for the majority of us. I cant even speak for the minority, just myself. But one of the things that I regret most, is that at times i have been so immersed in my own mind, that I did not at the time seem to care about problems others were having, i had so much going on in my mind, i guess i thought that I couldn't take on the problems of others. Im sickened by that now, and although i hate myself for not being there for others in the past, im grateful that i now realize the mistakes I was making. The more i meet people with mental health issues, i am somewhat hesitant to open up to them, because I really do think that this way of thinking is not super uncommon. Or, maybe its just that a lot of humans are selfish and uncaring in general. Maybe we werent always that way, maybe its what we have become. I dont trust the majority of people that I know, to ever be there for me, if I were to need them. So, ive usually just kept it to myself. I dont want to be a hypocrite, as i said, i have been selfish in the past. Way more often than i am proud to admit. But I dont have to be that way anymore. I cant expect people to be there for me, if im not going to do the same for them. We have to look out for eachother, we have to pick eachother up, should we fall down. We shouldnt have to worry about being cared about, and we shouldnt have to keep it to ourselves.

I used to think that i was weak, for my mind being the way that it is. But now, I don't think that at all. I think we survive through more than most people could possibly understand. Right now, im not ok. But I'm gonna pull through, you know? And so will you.

What im listening to