The Near Future Seems So Far Away

 So, I decided to finally make an appointment with a medical clinic that does not only counseling and therapy, but testing as well. I suffer badly from depression and anxiety, that much is obvious. But, for a while now I have wanted to know if maybe there are other underlying issues. Low end of the autism spectrum? ADHD? BPD? Its time I know for certain, and at age 38, possibly start my road to recovery. As hopeful as I am, I know that nothing is certain. Ive taken a dozen different anti depressants over the years, and none of them have helped. In my mind, I am broken and will be sad forever. I'll never hold down a long term job, Ill never find a human companion that loves me, I'll be a prisoner inside my head until I die. Lately it has been rough. I have trouble doing easy things, like getting out of bed. Leaving the house. Taking general care of myself. These have become struggles. 

But for now, I am waiting for this clinic to have time for me in their schedule (4-7 week wait), and despite nearing crisis mode, I am as hopeful as I ever was. I hope you are hanging in there as well.

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Its Been A While...

So, I haven't made a post in a couple months. I've thought about it, but felt a bit stuck. I didn't know what to post or what not to post here. Some of my posts make it look like I'm a person who can help people, and that I've conqured my depression. Which I havent, but, I think I can still help someone, and that is why I'm here. It's hard to find good help, and it's expensive. But the truth is, I'm struggling a lot right now, and I have a lot on my plate. I feel pretty defeated, and I don't know what to do. I have made a little progress lately, at least. Got on a new medication, but I can't say it's helping. I saw a psychologist, and she is going to refer me somewhere where I can get testing done. This is long overdue, but it's never too late. I'm searching for inspiration, wherever I can find it. I think I have been submitting to mental illness lately, instead of fighting back, like i used to tell myself. Sometimes it's hard to remember how to do that. But I think that we have to fight. We are living in a world that doesn't always care about us.  Take care, and I hope that you're doing ok.

Getting back on medication

Well, i feel like I didn't fare so well without any antidepressants. Kinda bums me out, but im gonna have to get back on them. I can at least say i tried. Life for me is changing again, a lot, and fast, and sometimes i just cant do it on my own. I hope everyone is well.

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How to get through a low point

Just a reminder, i am not an expert on mental illness...whatsoever. But, i have struggled, for who knows how long. Maybe 30 years, maybe my entire life. Certainly as far back as i can remember.

Right now, I'm at a very low point. Not the lowest ive ever been, but low enough to be concerned, and to need a plan on how to get out of this. This, and just about everything I post here, is more about me trying to offer words of hope, and advice. What little i can. I do not want any of you losing hope, or giving up.

First off, setting VERY small goals is a great way to gain some momentum, and feel a little better about yourself. Your life is always worth saving, no matter how bad things get. I know that it can seem that there is no hope. Not even a little. But...there is.

I find that staying organized is key. Without it, i sometimes wake up in the morning in a panic. I don't know what to do, or where to start. Form an every day routine, and have a plan for every day, preferably the day before. And, write it down, type it onto your phone, computer, whatever, but having it written out is extremely helpful for me. Starting a basic journal of your feelings is helpful as well, though I do struggle with remembering to do these things regularly, and im working on that.

Last but not least, dont overthink it! Your mind can absolutely be your worst enemy, and it is SO easy to tell yourself that it's over, and there is no hope. Personally, i am very hard on myself. Too hard, and i sometimes only hold myself back. Hard to move forward with a very heavy bolder on your back. Put that thing down, and forge ahead.

I know that all these things are SO much easier said than done. I know. But all you can do is try. What you have been doing has not been working, and it's not going to anytime soon. Time is valuable at this point, and you need to focus on change. It will require a strategy! Stay safe, and never lose hope.

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Making Progress, But Still Not There.

This morning i lost my patience and acted out on impulse towards someone who did not deserve it. I am much more patient than I was 10 years ago. But still, I am not the man that I want to be. Not yet, anyways. Will I ever be? Time will tell, right? Being a better person is something I strive to be, every day. And it's when you reflect on that, is when you realize how much you need to change. And it's not easy, you can't do it overnight. But I believe that you need to separate yourself from your ego. I'm certainly no expert and wish I had more knowledge on the subject. But, maybe you do? Feel free to share your thoughts.

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Dogs and depression

I'm mostly aiming at people suffering with depression, but really, this applies to everyone. I love animals, especially dogs, (and cats!) in fact, I once had a career working with them. I gave that up, but that's another story. No prescription drug, or other coping type vice has ever, or will ever help me as much as my dog, Louie does. Here are the reasons that I recommend a dog companion to anyone with depression. Of course, it seems to be so different with everyone. But, for me, these are the reasons. -You will have a best friend...for LIFE. I don't keep a ton of close friends, and relationships tend to elude me, I think I'm too awkward for most women. Again...another story altogether. -Dogs will not judge you, they only care about you. Not the clothes you wear, not the way you look,they don't care how little money you make, or what car you drive. They want you just the way you are. -He/she will be loyal to you. They won't push you away, take you for granted, or have a change of heart. You will belong to them as much as they belong to you (no I do not consider them possessions). -They want to make you happy, even if it doesnt always seem that way. And they want you to be proud of them. These things matter to them. -They won't abandon you, as long as you give them the life they deserve. They would help you out with your bills if they could. It has been scientifically proven that dogs can love. It's a fact. Do not take that for granted, their lives are short, and they deserve the best one possible, just as you do. That said, only get one if you can provide for them, which i know can be hard with mental illness. Basically, you need to be able to afford their vet bills, (make sure to become friends with your vet, they are good people) and last but not least, provide them with a high quality food. They are few and far between, but i suggest either going with your vets recommendation or look up any food before you buy it at www.dogfoodadvisor.com, you would be surprised at what is allowed to be sold! Oh, and grain free food is highly overrated, dont take my word for it and do your research, but I would tell you to avoid it all together. I hope this didnt come off as preachy, or nihilistic towards humans in general. We are good animals capable of doing great things as well.

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Are people more apathetic these days?

I think so. Ive thought so for a long time now. And I won't pretend to be perfect. I may have mentioned, I used to be a very selfish person, rarely there when people needed me. Maybe I'm paying for that now. I don't actually believe that, but who knows. I was a terrible brother to my siblings. Terrible friend at times when I shouldn't have been. Did i mention the time when my friends 6 month old son died? I received the news from one of our buddys, i cried instantly, but I never told him. My depression comes first, right? I don't have the energy to comfort you. That's how I used to think. But becoming a dad changed that, as it often does. I can never take back those things from the past, only learn from them, and that's important. I remember back when I was 19, I worked retail, as a cashier. This older lady came through my line, and told me that I looked sad. That was the first time I realized that I really do look that way. She would come in periodically and ask if I was ok. I appreciate it more now than I ever did. Oh, and recently my son made me make an avatar of myself for this emoji app thing that we use. Even the cartoon avatar of me makes me have sad looking eyes. Fucking technology, eh?

Anyways, dont make the mistakes I did. Be there for your friends when they need you. Be there for your family. Be there for everyone, because you are needed.

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